It's been a really tough week both physically and mentally. I was going to wait until I was having an 'up' day to post, but I thought, why not post on a 'down' day. In the future this will help me recognize my growth.
Two weeks ago I drove to New Jersey to meet with IFBB Pro Danielle Carr for posing practice. I was totally overwhelmed while practicing with her, but she walked me though changing my routine a little bit and videoed me so I could watch it and work on it. I made a promise to myself to practice 10 minutes a day until show day. The day after I came home the posing really started to click for me. I really need to stop over thinking it and just have fun with it. Let's face it - it's a brief 10 seconds to show you have worked your ass off! I have certainly become more relaxed and gotten better, but still have a long way to go.
Last weekend Brian and I drove to Baltimore on Saturday morning to go to the Baltimore Gladiator show. The show was amazing. I loved every minute of it. We walked around the vendor area and looked at all the cool fitness stuff. He sampled some delicious things (while I wanted to I refrained...prep mode is in full swing). First they had prejudging. The show was so big. There were 30 girls in the novice division. While I know they are up there to be 'judged' it was hard for me to hear the audience 'picking them all apart'. I know each and every girl on that stage worked her ass off to be there. After prejudging we went to our hotel and hung out for a while and then went for our cheat meal. We went to this very cool brick oven pizza shop. After the show we headed back for finals. I was very surprised at some of the decisions that were made. In the end each judge is different and has a different preference, but every girl on that stage was a winner in my eyes!
Onto this week - I'm not sure what happened this week but my emotions have been ALL over the place. One day high and the next low. Some of the emotions stemmed from cutting coffee from my daily habits, having my food and cardio plans change, and work being very stressful this week. I leaned on my buddy Nina, my husband and my coach a lot. A whole lot! I am so thankful to have my husband for EVERYTHING, my buddy Nina as a fellow competitor that understands, and my coach for the feedback and tweaks to my plan. They are all contributing to my success.
I have also reflected a lot this week. One day I can't wait to step on stage and the next I'm wondering what the hell I am thinking. One day I am typing an email to my coach telling her how much I love prep and that I think I may want to be in this for the long haul and the next I want to quit now. Through all of this I realized a few things about myself. I am, and always have been a private person. While I have worked my ass off my entire life for everything I have I have always been a 'beneath the detector' type of person. I have always kept my head down, and worked my ass off. I believe if you really are great people will just know. You shouldn't have to put it in peoples faces. I have always valued humility as a personality trait and have been annoyed by people who engage in self-promotion. I have also gained a lot of confidence from this experience though. This entire process has seemingly drawn that part of my personality out of me. I have decided I don't think it is about being humble or confident. I think it is more about fear of criticism. If I stay beneath the detector I won't be noticed. On the other hand if I exude confidence I make myself a target. Let's face it no one likes to kick someone that is down, but many can't wait to take shots at someone who is successful. I have a pretty thin skin and criticism hurts me pretty easily...even if it's tactful. So, so far I have lived pretty quietly so that I go unnoticed to avoid being hurt, but I am now realizing I have deprived myself of some of life's greatest experiences. through this reflection I have decided to stop allowing criticism to keep me from things that I love. In my own eyes the day I make it to the stage is the day I am a champion!
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